Compassionate Workbook
ContentsCompassionate Workbook
Contents
Why we need compassion 3
Chapter 1 We have tricky brains 3
Old part 3
New brain 4
Old and new brain loops 4
Chapter 2 We are shaped by our experiences 4
Chapter 3 Understanding our emotions 4
Threat system 5
The drive excitement system 5
Soothing system 5
Chapter 4 Understanding how and why our difficulties arise 6
Chapter 5 What is compassion 6
6 core attributes that can help with the first psychology of compassion 6
Care for well being 6
Sensitivity 7
Sympathy 7
Distress tolerance 7
Empathy 7
Non Judgement 7
Second Psychology of Compassion – Alleviation of Distress 7
Second psychology of Compassion 7
Compassionate attention 7
Compassionate imagery 8
Compassionate reasoning and thinking 8
Compassionate behaviour 8
Compassionate sensory focusing 8
Compassionate feelings 8
Chapter 6 The three flows of compassion 8
Chapter 7 Why compassion can be difficult 8
Chapter 8 Attention and mindfulness 9
Attention 9
Chapter 9 Cultivating the soothing system I-Body and breathing focus 9
Chapter 10 Cultivating the soothing system2 using imagery and memory 11
Chapter 11 Building the drive system 12
Developing the drive system 12
Chapter 12 Developing our compassionate self 13
Using memory 13
Caring-commitment 13
Strength and courage 13
Chapter13 Developing our compassionate other 13
Chapter 14 Developing our compassionate team 14
Chapter 15 Compassion for others 14
Chapter 16 Experiencing compassion from others 14
Chapter 17 Self Compassion 15
Chapter 18 Putting our compassionate mind to work-compassionate attention 17
Step 2 Working with attention from your compassionate mind 18
Chapter 19 Putting our compassionate mind to work-Compassionate thinking 18
Better safe than sorry 18
Using our compassionate minds to engage our threat system based thinking 18
Chapter 20 Putting our compassionate mind to work-compassionate engagement of emotion 20
Step1 Noticing and identifying emotions 20
Step 2 Making sense of our emotions 20
Step 3 Using your compassionate mind to help tolerate your emotions 20
Step 4 Learning to express your emotions 20
Chapter 21 Putting our compassionate mind to work-compassionate behaviour 21
Compassionate behaviour 21
Compassionate behaviour facing our fears in a step by step way 22
Using imagery to help with graded exposure 22
Working with setbacks 22
Compassionate planning, pre, during and after 22
Seeking help from others 23
Being assertive 23
Chapter 22 Compassionate mind-Compassionate letter writing 23
Steps to write a compassionate letter 24
Chapter 23 Working with common difficulties, compassion and multiple selves 24
Exercise: Multiple selves 24
Part 1 Angry part 24
Step 2 Anxious part 25
Step 3 Sad part 25
Step 4 How do the different parts relate to each other? 25
Step 5 Bringing compassion to the situation 26
Step 6 Compassion for my different selves 26
Chapter 24 Working with common difficulties, compassion and shame and self criticism 26
Use imagery to explore self criticism 27
Use functional analysis to explore self criticism 27
Background of self criticism 27
Working with Self criticism 28
Step 1: Be aware of self criticism 28
Step 2 Listen to and validate our self criticism 28
Step 3 Compassionate engagement of the self critic 28
Step 4 Changing shame based self-criticism to compassionate self correction 28
Chapter 25 How to manage fears, blocks or resistances to compassion 29
1. Compassion is a weakness or indulgence 29
2. I don’t deserve compassion 29
3. Compassion is unfamiliar to me 29
4. Compassion triggers painful feelings in me 29
The compassionate ladder 29
Chapter 26 Looking forward Sustaining our compassionate mind 30
Why we need compassion
3 major aspects of CMT
1.
We have tricky brains that are vulnerable to
getting caught in loops
2.
We are shaped by experience that we have little
control over
3.
We have a triune brain that can easily get out
of balance
Chapter 1 We have tricky brains
Pain is useful to guide us to take action by protecting
ourselves in some way.
Brains have an old part and a new part.
Old part
Reptilian: Fight, Flight, feeding and have sex: basic
survival and reproduction
Mammalian: Social survival aspects= social
bonding\communication, play, affection, and basic emotions (anxiety, anger,
sadness and joy) which helps engage with motivation
Motives (e.g. caring, competition and harm avoidance)
Emotions( e.g. anger, anxiety, sadness and joy)
New brain
Has temporal ability, can
imagine, remember and compare the present with another version. We also have
meta cognition, so we can think about thinking, about our existence, our having
emotions
Old and new brain loops
New brain can imagine\remember\compare and cause
anxiety\anger\sadness in old brain
So the problem is that we cause ourselves old brain problems
through the use of new brains and we use old brain solutions, so for instance
we imagine all the things that could go wrong and avoid doing something because
of the anxiety that has built up. However if we imagine all the things that
could go wrong and design a new way of doing things that manages this, then
that would be helpful.
The problem also comes in that the old brain narrows
attention and becomes more vigilant, so the new brain comes up with what if,
creates anxiety and then the old brain says right, look for more problems and
the new brain comes up with them.
However its not your fault that your old brain and new brain
can get caught up in tricky loops.
Chapter 2 We are shaped by our experiences
We are one version of many of our selves as we could have
had different experiences growing up in our environment, or we could have grown
up in a different culture. Genes get triggered by environmental cues:
epigenetics.
What we are today is shaped for us not by us, there are the
experiences we had growing up and then all through our lives. However in the
same way negative experiences can create problems so can positive experiences
create things we value, in this way the experience of compassion can be
powerful.
Practicing ways to bring a slightly different version of
ourselves into the world, a version that has a more compassionate, caring,
understanding and confident way of dealing with the problems we can face in
life.
We might meet also many different versions of ourselves
during periods of our lives and also at times of the day.
Chapter 3 Understanding our emotions
Threat emotions: anxiety, disgust, fear, anger
Pleasant emotions\affective states (energy increase) : joy,
excitement, happiness
Pleasant emotions\ affective states (soothing): calm,
content
3 Emotional systems
1.
Threat: Aims to protect and get to safety
2.
Drive: Aim to achieve resources
3.
Soothing: cares for ourselves and others, receptivity
to care for ourselves and others
Threat system
Adrenaline, Sympathetic nervous system, fight\flight\freeze.
Anxiety: as response to “external” threat
Disgust: as response to “internal” digestible threat, so
what we could eat, or it could be something is found socially disgusting, around
faeces, so the threat seems to be around being poisoned in some way and the behaviour
is to expel the substance.
Anger: when our goal is blocked or we have been treated
unfairly
Our threats can be both physical and social. Social triggers
would be rejection, exclusion, criticism or isolation.
Threat system is very fast to respond and has a general
ethos of better safe than sorry.
Under threat conditions our attention is biased to threat cues,
there is a narrowing of attention to threat\protection.
On the basis of a better safe than sorry approach we are
more sensitive to threat cues, than positive cues.
When the threat system is activated our perception narrows
to threat\protect cues, and we will see, remember, imagine in this schema.
The brain is plastic and will rewire its responses on the
basis of experience, this can be actual experience, or imagined\remembered or comparison
experience.
The drive excitement system
You need motivation to pursue resources , which energise us.
So excitement, joy, and anticipation are the emotions that do this. Well that
and dopamine. These emotions and drugs act both as a motivator and a reinforcer
so some will be felt before some after the event.
The motivating emotions (anticipation)
The demotivating emotions (anxiety, dread)
Soothing system
The intention is to get care for ourselves, which can mean
balancing the drive\threat systems with rest and digest. Chemicals are oxytocin,
endorphins, feelings of contentment, calm, peace and safety.
The soothing system is linked to social relations, i.e.
receiving care from others stimulates the soothing system, likewise social and relational
engagement will also hook into this as they are a prelude to being looked
after. So social values can relate to the soothing system.
What creates our emotional systems is a combination of
innate plus learning.
Threat system: the more threats you have experienced the
more you might think the worlds a dangerous place and make your threat system
more sensitive, which will encourage the sense that the world is a dangerous
place.
Soothing system is activated on giving and receiving
affection, kindness and care and it produces feelings of warmth, calmness and
contentment.
Increasing the soothing system decreases the threat system.
This can help us care for ourselves when we are faced with difficulties in
caring, for instance, stop smoking, go to the dentist etc.
Chapter 4 Understanding how and why our difficulties arise
We might want to understand the phenomena of the
difficulties, the modulators, the maintainers and the contributors to the cause
of them.
3 types of formulation in CMT
Understanding the loops in our minds
Understanding how our three emotion systems are balanced
Understanding how past experiences can keep us locked in
patterns
Chapter 5 What is compassion
Compassion means suffer with, through feeling your\my
suffering I want to reduce it.
Compassion: ‘A
sensitivity to the suffering of self and others (and its causes), with a
commitment to relieve and prevent it.’
Compassion requires
1. Engagement
with distress: paying attention to it, move towards it.
6 core attributes that can help with the first psychology of compassion
1.
Compassion
1.
Sensitivity
2.
Sympathy
3.
Distress tolerance
4.
Care for well being
5.
Empathy
6.
Non judging
Care for well being
Focus on the part of us that cares about suffering, that
wants to work a way to deal with this in a helpful way. Ask clients to talk about a situation from
the part of you that cares about your well being and those of others. When I’m
suffering ask myself to think\feel from the part of me that wants to reduce
this suffering.
Sensitivity
We need to be aware of pain and distress, which means being
open to thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours that are related to
distress , that could be the before, during or after. Most importantly the now,
as you are distressed what goes on for you, and how does this help\make harder
me\you to care about me\you.
Sympathy
Meaning to be emotionally moved by someone, not pitying
them. The problem of pity is the sense of they suffer because they have done
something bad, that of course I wouldn’t.
So with compassion, we have to turn towards suffering, feel
sympathetic, i.e. be moved by it, to do this we have to be able to tolerate
distress.
Distress tolerance
Empathy
Being emotionally in tune with someone, being able to
imagine why they experience the way they do, being aware of what\why they might
be thinking\feeling\behaving. Self
empathy, understanding what might have led to us feeling\thinking\behaving the
way we do.
Non Judgement
Criticising ourselves or others increases the struggle and
blocks helpful action. Non judgement here means stepping back from judgement\criticising\or
condemning the complexities of our own or other peoples minds.
Non judgement doesn’t mean that you like the thing, rather
you don’t blame or criticizing yourself for having it.
Second Psychology of Compassion – Alleviation of Distress
Second psychology of Compassion
1.
Attention
2.
Imagery
3.
Reasoning
4.
Behaviour
5.
Sensory
6.
Feeling
Compassionate attention
We can focus on the things that trigger or maintains our distress,
not the thing that can soothe it. So three hour of things going well or one
minute of it not going well pay attention to what did go well rather than what
didn’t.
Compassionate imagery
Imagine how you could respond differently in the future. How
you would want to respond.
Compassionate reasoning and thinking
Notice what way I am thinking, is there a more helpful
approach, what would I say to a loved one.
Compassionate behaviour
What both alleviates suffering and helps us to grow and
flourish. What helps alleviate suffering in the short term, medium term and
long term?
Compassionate sensory focusing
Do calming breathing
Adopt a more compassionate body posture
Use relaxing movement e.g. yoga, or soothing smells e.g. essential
oils.
Compassionate feelings
Promote emotions related to compassion warmth, kindness,
friendliness. May you be happy and free from suffering. Likewise what are the
things that you can do to promote these things, what are the things that you
find pleasurable and meaningful
Chapter 6 The three flows of compassion
Direct compassion to ourselves , to others and received from
others.
1.
Compassion for others
a.
See their pain and respond to it, wanting to
alleviate it
Chapter 7 Why compassion can be difficult
FBR: fears blocks and resistance
Fear
Compassion, can connect to times when you expected\wanted
compassion and didn’t get, lost it, which can connect to feelings of anger or
sadness.
Being compassionate people think other people will take
advantage and that you are weak or will be vulnerable, or that you won’t win
the race.
It can remind people of inter-personal closeness which can
activate unpleasant memories.
Blocks
Too busy. Caught up in the threat\drive system.
Resistances
People don’t deserve compassion. They are to blame for their
difficulties. We are letting people off the hook.
Chapter 8 Attention and mindfulness
Mindfulness a crucial skill to support compassion skills
Mindfulness involves learning to pay attention in the
present moment, without judgement or evaluation. This can be done by paying
attention to and observing our experiences.
Attention changes that which it is attentive to. Much like
the indeterminacy principle!
Attention
It can be moved.
It can be difficult to stay still.
It has effects, it lights things up, or dulls things down as
the light moves away
Attention training:
you can notice more things, you can also shift your
attention
Chapter 9 Cultivating the soothing system I-Body and breathing focus
Soothing system is known as the rest and digest system, it
is the parasympathetic nervous system and is uses endorphins to stimulate affect.
The system was probably key to enable caring relationships. It can help to deal
with our and others treat systems.
The soothing system can help deal with our threat system and
others.
Mindfulness can help as we can be aware of the threat system
and move us from a doing mode to a being, which is part of the way of the
soothing system.
1.
Body posture: tense your body, you feel tensed,
slouch your body you feel tired.
Exercise 1: Bridging From Threat
to Soothing – Helpful Body Posture
Notice how it feels to move your
feet to shoulder width apart, sit up straight, like a string is coming out of
your head,
2.
Facial expression
Whilst our face can be a window
to what we feel inside, there is also evidence that changing our expression
will change our feelings.
Exercise 2: Friendly Facial
Expression
Try having a gentle, kind
expression on your face, hold for thirty seconds see how it feels
3.
Soothing rhythm breathing
Breathing is automatic and
controlled by our brain stem. However we can stimulate our parasympathetic
system with changes to our breathing, posture and facial expressions.
Exercise 3: Soothing Rhythm
Breathing
Adopt an open upright confident
posture, and a kind gentle expression as above. Then find a rhythm of breathing
that feels soothing to you. Notice how your body is slowing down and your legs
might feel a bit heavier. Breathe like this for 60 seconds see if you notice
the effect.
Exercise 4: Learning to Slow Down
– How to Slow Your Breathing
Assume confident posture,
friendly expression, then try a soothing breathing rhythm which is likely to be
a slower and deeper rhythm, now see if you can slow your breath down a bit
future. Do this by counting to 5 then
holding for 1 then counting for 5
4.
Language
Exercise 5: Using Words with the
Out-Breath
Do a soothing breathing rhythm
and say a calm word going out
5.
Voice
tones
The tone of key peoples voices
has had a significant impact on our physiology.
A mothers comforting voice can produce an increase in oxytocin levels.
Exercise 6 Voice tone
Adopt a friendly face, an upright position, breath
soothingly and slow it down slightly and on each breath, say soothing, or body
slowing own and use the tone of a loved one.
6.
Focus of attention
If focusing internally is difficult then
look to focus on a soothing object instead, or hold such an object.
7.
Smells
Find a soothing smell to put with this
lavender, rose oil for example
8.
Put on some soothing music in the background,
sound of the sea for instance.
My soothing kitbag: things that
help my soothing system
Friendly face
Soothing breathing rhythm
Gentle
tone
Alert body posture
Practice
Practice soothing breathing next
to a loved one, during a conversation and when your threat system is activated.
Chapter 10 Cultivating the soothing system2 using imagery and memory
Imagery is sensory information in the mind that doesn’t have
an environmental trigger, so it can range across the 5 senses.
The brain reacts to experience if it is triggered internally
or externally, internally triggers: image of meal, sexual fantasy, self-criticism,
self-compassion, all are experienced physiologically by the body.
Expectations of imagery: they won’t be in high definition,
most people have fleeting, transitory, and short lived images.
Exercise 1: Soothing Colour Imagery
Do soothing breathing, in a compassionate posture. Imagine a
colour you find soothing. Imagine the colour in front of you. Imagine the
colour forms a mist. Is moving towards you and slowly supporting you. Notice
how this feels. Imagine the colour entering you. Imagine the colour has a
supportive intention to you.
Exercise 2: Creating an Image of My Safe Place
Do soothing breathing, in a compassionate posture.
Bring a image of a safe, soothing, calming place. Use all of
your senses to engage with it. Imagine the safe place has an awareness of you,
it welcomes you, is happy to see you, wants you to feel safe and calm . Then
notice what you would like to do in this place.
You can boost this by looking at images of soothing places,
or playing music, using touch or smell.
Developing the soothing-affiliative system – using memory
Exercise 3: Memory of Feeling Cared For, remember when you
felt cared for you can recall where you were: notice the environment around
you, and where the other person was in relation to you (for example, in front
of you or by your side). Now take a moment to pay attention to this other
person. Maybe you can notice their facial expression, body posture or voice
tone that somehow conveyed their caring and supportive intentions towards you.
Given the qualities of this person and what they were doing for you, see if you
can remember what it felt like to receive this kindness and care from them. Pay
attention to any feelings of safety, contentment, or connection.
Chapter 11 Building the drive system
Drive: pursue and acquire resources: relates to wanting, pursuing,
seeking and consuming.
Emotions from the drive system are excitement, joy, and an
energized feeling that we get when we succeed or enjoy something.
Chemical is dopamine.
Culture focusses very strongly on this system, succeed, be
the best=good.
Social interactions=competitive, work.
Motivation purposes=acquire, consume
Emotions=pleasure, excitement, joy
Chemical=dopamine
Problems=
1.
Conditions of worth
a.
Hyperactive drive system to overcome feelings of
low self-worth
b.
Competition against an external other or an
internal other i.e. standards: never get there
2.
Inactive drive system
a.
Low drive system to protect, or punish.
Expectation of failure, or belief in self badness.
Drive system links
1.
To the threat system, Conditions of Worth or
protective depression
2.
To the compassion system:
a.
we need drive to care and reduce suffering
b.
we need a drive to flourish
Developing the drive system
Here the aim is to develop the drive system with positive emotions
Positive motive
Doing things that give me a sense of meaning, purpose and
joy to my life would be an awesome drive.
If the drive system is motivated by self-interest,
competition and avoidance of unpleasant feelings it can be a source of distress
and suffering. However if the drive
system is motivated by compassion and the soothing system it can benefit from
its vitality.
What we focus on expands , we become what we pay attention
to.
Focusing on that which we are grateful to can increase joy
and happiness.
Chapter 12 Developing our compassionate self
Motivation is central to compassion, there is motive to
engage our attention, thinking and behaviour in ways to reduce suffering.
Two wolves, angry, resentful or compassionate, the one that
wins is the one you feed.
We are made of multiple selves and the compassionate self is
one of those.
Actors can teach us a lot about learning compassion, as they
prepare for a part, they research, embody, rehearse etc
Using memory
Remember when you were compassionate, or received
compassion.
Compassionate qualities: open in the face of distress, not
feeling I caused it or I have to fix it.
Gentle, really empathic, or engaged to the otherness of the other,
their pain, how it is for them.
Wisdom, is very helpful to compassion, don’t jump in a river
if you can’t swim. If you only have a hammer you see every problem as a nail.
Caring-commitment
Kindness is super important in compassion but its not all of
it, as kindness is also tied up with a desire to be liked. Compassion involves
caring, reducing suffering, increasing flourishing using a wise mind, so it
might be saying no, kindly, but no. I guess also in the not quite kind camp there’s
the taking responsibility for your struggles.
Strength and courage
As we want to reduce suffering , we first of all need to be
with it. Courage and strength in compassion are like the roots of a tree; they
allow us to remain grounded, and to tolerate and even approach pain and
suffering without being overwhelmed.
Chapter13 Developing our compassionate other
Ideal other as wise, caring, strong and committed.
Chapter 14 Developing our compassionate team
Imagine you as compassionate, and your compassionate ideal
and notice them together
Compassionate flowing out=needs of others
Compassionate flowing in=receiving compassion from others
Compassion to ourselves
Chapter 15 Compassion for others
Sometimes people are compassionate to others only so far as
they want to be liked, wanted or accepted, this can be referred to as
submissive compassion.
As much as there is imagery, use compassionate behaviour to
others. Spreading sunshine, shines on you too.
Exercise 1: Memory of Being Compassionate to Another Sit in
an upright and comfortable position. Engage in your soothing rhythm breathing
and friendly facial expression (see pages 122–28). Allow your breathing to slow
a little, and gently rest your attention in the flow of breathing in, and
breathing out. Stay with this for sixty seconds or so. Bring to mind a memory
of a time when you were compassionate to someone. This could be someone you are
close to, such as a friend or family member, but it might also be someone you
don’t know so well, or even a complete stranger. For this exercise, don’t pick
a time when the other person was experiencing too high a level of distress as this
may overly stimulate your threat system, and block you from re-connecting to your
experience of compassion. Spend a few moments holding the memory in mind,
trying to recall different details of it – where you were, what was happening,
what you can see around you. Try to bring back to mind, or imagine, the
motivation you had to be caring and compassionate to this other person. Now,
try to recall how you showed your compassion to this person. How did you show
it through your body posture, facial expression or voice tone? Spend a moment
just holding in mind these physical qualities of your compassion. Try to recall
the words you said to the other person, and the intention you had for these to
be reassuring, validating or helpful in some way.
How else did you show your care and concern? Maybe you did
something to help the other person. Again, if you can, spend a minute or two
holding in mind your desire to be helpful and kind – on the flow of compassion
from you to the other person. When you feel ready, allow this memory to fade
from your mind, and spend a little while tuning in to your soothing rhythm
breathing again.
Irons, Chris. The Compassionate Mind Workbook: A
step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self . Little, Brown Book Group.
Kindle Edition.
Chapter 16 Experiencing compassion from others
When you get busy with all the stresses and strains of the
day you can miss the times when people are kind to you. So know this, stay on
the look out for when people are kind to you.
Exercise 1 – Receiving Compassion From Your Ideal
Compassionate Other Sit in an upright and comfortable position. Engage in your
soothing rhythm breathing and friendly facial expression (see pages 122–28).
Allow your breathing to slow a little and gently rest your attention in the
flow of breathing in, and breathing out. Stay with this for sixty seconds or
so. Bring to mind the image of your ideal compassion other – a caring, wise and
strong other who has a deep intention to support you. Spend sixty seconds imagining
what this looks like – its body posture, facial expression and voice tone. Hold
in mind that your ideal compassionate
other knows that we all just find ourselves here, with our
tricky brains. They understand that our thoughts and feelings can run riot
within us, and that this is not our fault. Your ideal compassionate other is
grounded and strong. It has confidence, so you know it can tolerate the
difficulties and stress you experience in life. It has a deep desire to support
you, to understand you. Your ideal compassionate other wants you to be happy
and to flourish in life. How does it feel, knowing that this ideal
compassionate other is committed to supporting you? Spend sixty seconds or so
remaining open to this flow of care and compassion from your image. Focusing on
the facial expression, voice tone and intention of this compassionate other,
imagine them saying the following things to you: May you be well (your name)
May you be happy (your name) May you find the strength and courage to tolerate
your difficulties in life (your name) Really imagine that your ideal
compassionate other is looking at you with kindness, and is genuinely wishing
you well. They feel connected to you and their wishes are heartfelt. Imagine
hearing these heartfelt wishes in their warm, caring voice tone. You may want
to change the content of these wishes in a way that they are relevant and
useful to you. Some examples are: I’m here to support you (your name) I’m here
to help you tolerate your difficulties (your name) I’m here to help you reduce
your distress (your name) Play around with these phrases, finding the words and
the tone of voice that you can connect with. Remember, try your best to remain
open to the support and care of your compassionate other.
Irons, Chris. The Compassionate Mind Workbook: A
step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self . Little, Brown Book
Group. Kindle Edition.
Chapter 17 Self Compassion
Use a compassionate image, do this for you in a certain
situation when you have had a tough day at work, do it in front of the mirror.
If a mirror is too much for you then look at a photo of yourself.
Exercise 1: Focusing the Compassionate Self on Yourself Sit
in an upright and comfortable position. Engage in your soothing rhythm
breathing and friendly facial expression (see pages 122–28). Allow your
breathing to slow a little, and gently rest your attention in the flow of
breathing in, and breathing out. Stay with this for sixty seconds, or so. Bring
to mind some of the qualities of your ideal compassionate self. Firstly,
consider the quality of wisdom. You understand that we have ‘tricky brains’ that
we did not choose for ourselves, but were created over millions of years of
evolution. Again, imagine how it would feel like to look
out through the eyes of your compassionate self with a deep
understanding of how hard life can be, and knowing that all human beings face
struggles throughout life. Secondly, consider the quality of strength and
courage. Your compassionate self has an inner strength and confidence to it –
it is grounded and can tolerate distress. Notice how being strong and
courageous feels in your body. How would you hold your body? How would you
stand with a sense of confidence and strength? Finally, consider the quality of
caring motivation, a deep desire to be kind, caring and supportive in the
world. Imagine having these qualities and how it would feel in your body to
have the intention to be caring. Consider what your body posture would be like
and what your facial expression would look like. What would your tone of voice
sound like? Now, holding onto your motivation to be caring, your sense of
wisdom and strength, imagine walking down a street and looking through the eyes
of your compassionate self. You have a deep intention to be sensitive to suffering,
a desire to try to be supportive and to alleviate distress. Really notice how
this feels inside. Imagine how you would walk, what your facial expression
would be like, what your voice tone would sound like. Next, imagine that you can
see in front of you an image of your usual self, the version of you that is in
the world at present, on a daily basis. As your compassionate self, look out to
this version of you with deep kindness and with a caring motivation. You have a
deep desire that this version of you finds comfort and happiness. Spend a few
moments imagining this. As your compassionate self, keep on looking at and
connecting with the ‘usual you’ with your understanding of how life can be hard
and stressful at times, and that this version of you is trying his or her best
to manage with this. See if you can connect with your empathy for this version
of you. Again, spend a few moments staying with this. Given your caring
intention and deep understanding of this version of you, consider what your compassionate
self may want to say, or do. You may want to imagine saying the following phrases
out loud, with a warm and kind voice tone, focusing upon the intention to be
supportive: May you be well May you be happy May you find the strength and
courage to tolerate your difficulties in life. If you prefer, you could use the
word ‘I’. For example, may I be well, may I be happy. Perhaps try both and see
which one you connect with more. Spend a couple more minutes with this
experience.
Irons, Chris. The Compassionate Mind Workbook: A step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self . Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
Exercise 2: Compassion in the Mirror Sit in an upright and
comfortable position. Engage in your soothing rhythm breathing and friendly
facial expression (see also pages 122–28). Allow your breathing to slow a
little, and gently rest your attention in the flow of breathing in, and
breathing out. Stay with this for sixty seconds, or so. Bring the qualities of
your compassionate self to mind, feeling your way into a sense of caring motivation,
wisdom and strength. When you feel ready, embodying your compassionate self,
and connected to your soothing rhythm breathing and friendly facial expression,
look at yourself in the mirror. Spend a moment just taking in the reflection of
you. If you can, notice how it feels to bring a gentle smile or friendly
expression to your face. As your compassionate self, see if you can direct
feelings of
care, warmth and kindness to your reflection in the mirror. When you feel ready, repeat the following four statements out loud, or silently in your own mind, through a warm, caring voice tone: May you be well (your name) May you be happy (your name) May you be safe (your name) May you find the strength and courage to tolerate your difficulties in life (your name) Notice how it feels to direct these intentions, hopes and feelings towards yourself. Continue to spend some time looking at your reflection, continuing to direct warmth, care and compassion to yourself. When you feel ready, repeat the same phrases to yourself again.
Irons, Chris. The Compassionate Mind Workbook: A step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self . Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
Chapter 18 Putting our compassionate mind to work-compassionate attention
Compassion is a motivation and intention to action, to
reduce suffering promote flourishing. To give\receive to self and others.
Notice your mind set competitive, protective, affiliative.
The compassionate mindset is composed of
1.
Attention
2.
Thinking
3.
Imagery
4.
Behaviour
5.
Motivation
6.
Emotions
Attention lights up what it shines upon, it opens things and
it changes how we feel about them.
Example: go to a party and whilst there you told a joke that
one person didn’t find funny, you focus on that and whilst you are doing that
certain things happen, you talk to yourself in certain ways, which then affects
your emotions.
Step 1 Paying attention to attention
Learning about attention
Exercise 1: Attention Log Monitoring attention can help
deepen our understanding about its nature. It may be that some of us are very
able to guide our attention in compassionate ways, but for others of us, it can
be easy to become distracted (e.g. by mobile phones, email or noisy
environments). Some of us might also find that our attention is captured by our
threat system – for example, by something difficult that happened in the past,
or by worries about things happening in the future. Worksheet 18.1 has been
designed to help you monitor your attention and build your understanding. See
if you can use this over the course of a day. Some people find it best to do
this at the end of the day, looking back on various tasks they were engaged
with over the day. Others find it difficult to recall this in detail at the end
of the day, and prefer to complete it at more regular intervals during the day.
The most important thing is to find a way to become more aware of what happens
to your attention.
Irons, Chris. The Compassionate Mind Workbook: A
step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self . Little, Brown Book
Group. Kindle Edition.
Key questions
1.
Where did you attention get drawn to and
affects?
2.
How often was your attention captured by your
threat system.
3.
Distractions can be avoidance of a threatening
task
Step 2 Working with attention from your compassionate mind
1.
Mindfulness: notice where my attention has gone,
and moving it back to something more helpful
2.
Soothing rhythm breathing and safe place imagery
a.
This can help if you notice the mind is getting
often pulled to the threat system.
3.
Soothing rhythm breathing and then pay attention
to
a.
An occasion that went well
b.
Times when you have received positive feedback
c.
Previous occasions when you have manged a situation
well
d.
Occasions which others have valued you
e.
Memories of feeling appreciated and able
4.
Soothing breathing rhythm
a.
Notice a thing your mind continues to get drawn
to
b.
Be
curious about what your mind might be searching for, trying to resolve, or work
out.
c.
Guided by its wisdom, what does your
compassionate mind think might sit behind this threat focus – for example,
difficult threat emotions, concerns or fears you have, or a need of yours that
has gone unmet? Why might your threat system be caught up with this situation,
and what could this be telling you about how you feel or what you need?
Key points
1.
The threat system narrows attention on threat
Chapter 19 Putting our compassionate mind to work-Compassionate thinking
Some researchers reckon we can have between 12000-50000
thoughts per day.
Much of what happens in our mind is created for us not by
us.
Brain loops happen as old brain motivations use new brain
abilities. So there may be feelings anxiety\anger\shame, this in turn get the
new brain operating in worry\rumination\self criticism, and causes more of the
emotion, there is also a narrowing of attention to the theme of the emotion.
Better safe than sorry
Mind has a better safe than sorry approach for fast response,
e.g. snakes and ropes. So this has been helpful evolutionarily when survival
was at stake, but less so now when there are a lot more threats and few of them
are about survival.
Jumping to conclusions (no evidence), overgeneralizing(one
bad experience, means always have bad experiences), black and white thinking
(overgeneralization).
Using our compassionate minds to engage our threat system based thinking
1.
Notice threat thoughts
2.
Notice the effect of the thoughts
3.
How is it understandable that I may have them?
4.
Are they helpful or true
Mindfulness of threat based thoughts: notice threat based throughs
and return to a neutral anchor.
The aim as we work with thoughts rather than detach from
them is to be helpful and kind, so not to work purely logically and rationally
but rather connect our heartfelt feeling of care to our rationality.
Compassionate thought form
|
|
Triggering Events
|
Unhelpful or Upsetting Thoughts and
|
Feelings and Emotions
|
|
|
What actually happened? What was the trigger?
|
What went through my mind?
What am I thinking about others and their thoughts about me? What am I
thinking about myself and my future?
|
What are my main feelings and emotions?
|
To create a balanced thought then:
1.
Empathise and validation for the distress
a.
Its understandable you’re suffering because
2.
Compassionate attention
a.
Move your narrow attention from threat to a broader
perspective, time/space/to non threat
3.
Compassionate thinking
a.
What would you say to a friend, what would someone
who cared for you say to you
4.
Compassionate behaviour
a.
What would a compassionate thing to do be?
Chapter 20 Putting our compassionate mind to work-compassionate engagement of emotion
Managing emotions
1.
Noticing it
2.
Describing and putting words to it
3.
Understanding it
4.
Tolerating it and using the emotion in a way
that we find helpful
Step1 Noticing and identifying emotions
Pay attention to what you are feeling in your body in a
mindful way, descriptively. You may notice the variety of emotions and how they
change. Emotions can give us information about what is important to us to
direct us to act in a way that is consistent with our needs\values.
Exercise
Trigger? Where did I notice feeling this in my body? What did
my body want to do when it felt this?
Step 2 Making sense of our emotions
Some people have their emotions invalidated, some people are
used to having their emotions invalidated, some people invalidate their own
emotions. Doing this leads to emotions being seen as a threat.
So first of all notice are you invalidating your emotions?
To make sense you need to empathise with yourself,
understand what might bring you to feel as you do
Step 3 Using your compassionate mind to help tolerate your emotions
Practice, soothing breathing, invoke a caring, wise and
strong you, then provoke an emotion you find difficult. Imagine the
compassionate you talking to you to help you tolerate this difficult emotion,
If you notice you are struggling with this, then imagine the compassionate you
being compassionate to the struggling you.
Step 4 Learning to express your emotions
The desire to express our emotions can be a threat if our
emotions have been invalidated. So this means we get an emotion then anxiety
about that emotion. From your compassionate self then work out what would be a
wise way to express your emotion
Tips for expressing emotions
·
Tell someone how you feel?
·
Tell someone how their behaviour left you
feeling?
·
Write down what you feel?
·
Talk to someone who is involved in the situation
and get their support?
·
Write down the emotion you are struggling to
express and how you would like to express it to someone if you could
·
Practice saying your emotions out loud, maybe
even in front of the mirror
·
Rehearse saying your emotions with someone you
feel safe with
·
Notice how others you admire express their
emotions, how are they with their voice, tone posture etc
As with any change, it may not feel comfortable to begin
with, you may not have the range of skills for all situations, so you need to
do things to encourage you to continue expressing emotions in a range of
situations to acquire this skill and experience.
Chapter 21 Putting our compassionate mind to work-compassionate behaviour
Whilst compassionate behaviour can involve being nice, kind and loving
it can also involve courage. We need to actively face our suffering in
distressing situations.
Strength, care, wise
Compassionate behaviour
Using our wisdom to guide:
• Being supportive and encouraging towards ourselves,
and other people who may be having difficulties
• Facing our fears with kindness and strength
• Engaging in the things that we find difficult in
life, with courage
• Learning to be assertive
• Being able to
share our feelings, concerns and needs
• Tolerating feeling
vulnerable.
Non compassionate behaviour
• Saying ‘yes’
to other people, or being nice to them in order just to please them, or ensure
they don’t reject us
• Hiding how we truly feel
• Punishing ourselves
• Giving in to others (this is submissive rather than
assertive behaviour)
• Apologising for everything
• Taking undue responsibility
for things
• Not feeling vulnerable.
Compassionate behaviour, does behaviour promote your flourishing and
reduce your suffering in the long term.
Troubleshooting
Notice if the threat system has been activated, validate that it is
happening, and use your compassionate strength to turn towards it, and your
caring to manage it and your compassionate skills of mindfulness, soothing
breathing and imagery.
Your compassionate self can with its wisdom answer what’s in your
interest, it can see when your old brain is high jacking your new brain
Compassionate behaviour facing our fears in a step by step way
Once we understand fear and avoidance we can validate them
and be more compassionate. To work with
this create a graded hierarchy that move towards your feared goal.
Using imagery to help with graded exposure
Before starting it can be helpful to imaging yourself doing
each task before doing it
Preparation
Soothing breathing
Confident compassionate posture
Compassionate ideal invocation
Imagine doing the task
Doing it
How could your compassionate self help you, what words of
support or encouragement would they offer you.
Engage the preparation for imaginal exposure before actually
doing it.
After you have done it, maybe it will go well, or maybe less
so, sit down with your compassionate invocation and debrief.
Working with setbacks
We can set targets that are too large. We can criticize
ourselves.
Again invoke the compassionate ideal breathing, posture,
compassionate figure.
Then notice what’s happening, I’m disappointed, I criticize
myself, I feel shame\anger. It’s understandable you feel disappointed as you
really wanted, I know many other people have struggled with this, have struggled
with their emotions acting in the way that you do, but its not your fault. What
will be helpful for you is…hat have you learnt, theoretically, practically,
what can you do differently, how can you support yourself to do it again.
Compassionate planning, pre, during and after
PDA!
What’s your PDA for graded exposure?
Pre might include imaginal exposure, getting my things ready
to do it, think about things you could practice doing more of or the things
that you need to do less of to help with the exposure.
During might be soothing breathing and emotional acceptance
if the levels of emotion are too distressing.
Afterwards writing down what I learnt, maybe writing a compassionate
letter to myself. How could you tolerate
any unpleasant feelings, how can you encourage yourself to take the next step
whatever that is.
Seeking help from others
Sometimes, seeking help from others is a compassion thing to
do.
Again embody compassion.
Then ask yourself, who could I turn to, to help me with my
difficulties.
What are my threat thoughts about asking this person for
support?
What would help me to manage my threat system so that I can
find some help and supports?
What steps can I take now to seek out help?
Being assertive
How can we express our desires\opinions without being
passive\submissive\aggressive.
1.
Identify the situations where you struggle with
assertiveness
2.
Ask what sits behind being non-assertive, what
stops you from being assertive, what are
your fears?
3.
Bring compassion to this, understand how it is
so difficult, have empathy for that part, be supportive to that part,
understand how its not your fault
4.
Invoke your compassionate self, to write down
what you might say that would be assertive. Also ask yourself what do you need,
ask yourself also why this is so important.
5.
Ask yourself what you would like the other
person to do.
6.
Ask the other person if they would like to
discuss this.
7.
Then ask yourself what would a helpful way be to
communicate this to the other person.
8.
Managing setbacks. If things didn’t go to plan,
invoke the compassionate ideal, and write a letter to yourself to support
yourself
Chapter 22 Compassionate mind-Compassionate letter writing
Writing about problems seems to put them into perspective.
Puts the pain outside, helps organise things.
The aim of compassionate letter writing is to
1.
Express concern and care to ourselves
2.
Demonstrate sensitivity to our pain
3.
Help us tolerate our pain
4.
Have understanding and empathy for our struggles
Tips for compassionate letter writing
1.
Use first or second person, I or this
2.
All you need to do is to have the letter include
the intention of care, empathy and support.
3.
Don’t try to make it perfect
Steps to write a compassionate letter
1.
Engage your compassionate mind
2.
Motivation why am I writing this letter, what is
your intention?
a.
Supportive, encouraging in the face of
difficulties
3.
Begin the letter and identify a difficulty
4.
Validate and empathise with the difficulty that
you have
a.
Understand why you feel as you do
b.
Acknowledge the feelings
5.
Understanding of your attempts to manage your
threat system-not your fault
a.
Validate the safety behaviours and notice the
unintended consequences
6.
Taking responsibility (strength, wisdom)
a.
Make a commitment to improve things
7.
Explore how to help: compassionate thoughts and
action
a.
Balanced thinking
b.
Action that is likely to bring about positive
change
8.
Working with blocks, difficulties and setbacks
9.
Compassionate commitment to bringing change
a.
Write how I will be compassionate to myself in
the process of change
10.
Compassionate reading
a.
Read the letter back to yourself compassionately,
slowly to hear the intention, and emotions, and to feel them.
Sometimes when you write the letter you can be critical of
yourself. People talk of compassion like a battery you charge it up , but then
you deplete it. So if you notice being critical of yourself, then take some
time to invoke a compassionate figure and then to try again.
Chapter 23 Working with common difficulties, compassion and multiple selves
We have multiple selves that responds differently in role,
context and relationship. Many of us face difficulty in being able to
experience different parts of us in a helpful way. We can be stuck in one role,
we can get the effects from all the different parts which can be overwhelming.
Exercise: Multiple selves
Bring an argument to mind
Part 1 Angry part
Engage with the part of you that feels angry
What are the thoughts, feelings that go with this part?
If your angry part were in complete control what would it
want to do?
Hold in mind your anxious part what memories come
What would help the angry part to settle.
Once you’ve got into the angry part see if you can gently
let it go, take a few soothing breaths.
Step 2 Anxious part
Engage with the anxious part of you
What are the thoughts, feelings that go with this part?
If your anxious part were in complete control what would it
want to do?
Hold in mind your anxious part what memories come
What would help the anxious part to settle?
Step 3 Sad part
Sad part
Engage with the sad part of you
What are the thoughts, feelings that go with this part?
If your sad part were in complete control what would it want
to do?
Hold in mind your sad part what memories come
What would help the sad part to settle?
Summary
Do you find one part of you as easier to connect with and
one less so, how does this affect you.
So what does your compassionate self need to do, to moderate
the part you get drawn to, to strengthen the parts that are difficult to
connect to
Trouble shooting
Notice leakage when you are in one emotion but another one
comes up.
If you didn’t feel a part, imagine what it would say or want
to do
Step 4 How do the different parts relate to each other?
How does the angry part think and feel about…the anxious,
sad parts and contrariwise
Summary
These emotions don’t get on very well as they have competing
desires. There are also dominant reactions that keep running the show. The
compassionate part can listen and connect to all parts and mediate between them
Step 5 Bringing compassion to the situation
Depending on which part of us views the situation we are
likely to see it in a quite different way. Compassion allows you to take a
wiser, more balanced perspective.
Invoke a compassionate feeling and then ask what thoughts does
your self have about the argument, what bodily feeling, what behaviour does the
compassionate self want, what outcome does it want, what memories come.
Step 6 Compassion for my different selves
Compassion for my angry self: Invoke compassion, then ask yourself
what does it want to say to the angry part of
you, how does it understand it, what would be helpful for it.
Compassion for the anxious part of me: Invoke compassion
then ask yourself what it wants to say to the anxious part of you, how can it
understand it, what would be helpful for it.
Compassion for the sad part of you invoke compassion then
ask yourself what it wants to say to the sad part of you, how can it understand
it, what would be helpful for it.
Our multiple selves turn up in arguments, difficult
decisions, important events, difficult encounters, and disappointments.
Chapter 24 Working with common difficulties, compassion and shame and self criticism
Shame is a social emotion in which we feel others see us as
defective in some way, inadequate, inferior. Shame comes from the word cover,
which is what we do when we feel shame about our body, or about our background,
or our being.
The behavioural aspect to shame is to cove up, to hide, to
disappear. If we have shameful memories
we try to block them somehow, cover them. Shame functions as a cue to socially
unacceptable and helps keep societies within certain rules and norms.
Historically being part of a group was very important for
survival. To be excluded from the group would mean death.
Shame helps us to track how we exist in the minds of others
and to avoid rejection, segregation and ultimately death.
If shame is experienced in low short levels then behaviour
can be changed. If it is too high and
for too long it can block soothing and disconnect people from social engagement
and then lead to depression.
When ashamed we find it hard to be open to compassion from
self or others.
Shame blocks compassion from others, as we want to protect
ourselves from the threat, the painful judgement, but the judgement is a call
to address social behaviour! And generally it is imaginal too.
To tolerate shame then
1.
Invoke compassion
2.
Imagine shameful situation
3.
Bring a compassionate response to tolerate and
understand the feeling
Shame that disconnects is when it is powerful and makes it
about you as a being. The reason you are socially unacceptable is that you are
bad\flawed etc. The motivation then is to want to hide and isolate yourself
from people. This in turn exacerbates it and blocks us from compassion from
others and also from ourselves.
Shame exercise
1.
Invoke compassion
2.
Invoke shame
3.
Turn towards the feeling just to tolerate it focus
on your feelings of strength to do this
4.
Invoke wisdom to name and understand it
5.
Invoke care towards it, write a compassionate
letter to this difficulty.
There’s external shame, were you believe the other is
thinking shaming thoughts about you. Then there are internal shaming thoughts,
self criticism, self attack, self hatred.
Self criticism can be general or specific, can focus on the
present or the future or the past. It
can be personal I’m not good enough, or it can be a comparison I’m not as good
as others.
Self criticism can take two forms one is a put down a pointing
out of personal inadequacies. The other a disgust based response which is
aggressive and wants to punish for a setback.
Use imagery to explore self criticism
Personify your self critic, notice your reaction in the
presence of it
Use functional analysis to explore self criticism
What would you lose if you could never be self critical
again. Two functions seems to be to improve or to punish. Punishment functions
under the guise of self improvement as well.
Background of self criticism
Relationships: you
may have had critical, bullying relationships
Trauma: you may have experienced DV or abuse
Failure: you may have had life events set backs that felt
shameful that triggered self criticism.
Media: you may be affected by media messages and conditions
of worth that feel shameful that triggers self criticism
Working with Self criticism
Step 1: Be aware of self criticism
Pay attention to its form, function, focus and emotions
involved. Things that are very common become automatic and we can’t see them any
more
Step 2 Listen to and validate our self criticism
Losing self-criticism can trigger our treat system, so
validate its purpose, how self-criticism can signal something, some fear, a
loss, a disappointment, some shame, that needs attending to, but also be aware
the effects of self-criticism. What kind
of teacher would you want for a child that is struggling with a maths problem,
can you use those qualities to apply to yourself?
The self-critic and the compassionate voice both want to
protect us, and help us flourish, the former does through fear and threat the
latter through encouragement and care.
Step 3 Compassionate engagement of the self critic
Invoke compassion
Invoke the self critic
Direct your feelings of compassion to the critic
Use wisdom, look at what they are trying to do, and what
activated them.
Direct compassion to what activated them.
Sometimes the critic can be overwhelming, direct your
feelings of compassionate strength to manage this.
Direct your care to the self critic and to try to help the
critic with his concerns but in a more caring way.
Step 4 Changing shame based self-criticism to compassionate self correction
Don’t remove self-criticism rather replace its function with
self correction
|
Shame-based self-criticism
|
Self-correction
|
|
Shame-based self-criticism is associated with threat-based emotions
(fear, shame and anger) and relates to:
|
Self-correction involves a desire to do our best, to be open to our
limitations in and wanting to learn and improve skills and focuses on:
|
|
A wish to punish and condemn
|
A desire to improve
|
|
Fear of failure
|
Growth and enhancement
|
|
Blaming and shaming
|
Giving support, encouragement and kindness
|
|
Feelings of disappointment with oneself, anger and frustration
|
Acknowledges what goes well and considers areas for development
|
|
Avoidance of situations
|
Appreciation and acceptance of the self as whole
|
|
Social comparisons, where the self is inferior, and judged
against specific standards.
|
|
Chapter 25 How to manage fears, blocks or resistances to compassion
Compassion can be a source of stress and anxiety. We may not
have experienced it before and be sad, it may strike us as being weak and leave
us vulnerable
1. Compassion is a weakness or indulgence
Compassion lets you or others off the hook. Compassion is selfish
and weak.
Working with this:
1.
Validate the fear
2.
Explore the origin
3.
Notice the strength needed to turn to distress,
our or another’s.
4.
How would you respond to a friend with similar
views.
2. I don’t deserve compassion
Because I believe I am bad, therefore I don’t deserve
kindness, rather I deserve punishment
Working with this
1.
Understand the origins and be compassionate to
them
2.
Think about the sense if the threat system is
underneath this. If it is, then what is the fear. If the drive system is active
then maybe you think you are only allowed things that you earned (but what
about babies)
3.
Understand the origins of the systems underpinning
this.
4.
In the face of the blocks try small steps and
experiment
3. Compassion is unfamiliar to me
Some people have had very little experience of compassion
1.
practice makes us more familiar
2.
start with small steps
3.
notice different forms of compassion, coming
from others
4. Compassion triggers painful feelings in me
Compassion can trigger anxiety and anger.
1.
Take small steps
2.
Stay open to your experience of other being kind
to you, no matter how small
3.
Notice when your threat system comes on line,
see if you can return to soothing breathing
4.
Any brain loops blocking compassion
5.
Be compassionate to your struggle with compassion
The compassionate ladder
Create a hierarchy of compassionate activities to try
Chapter 26 Looking forward Sustaining our compassionate mind
What can encourage regular practice?
How can you manage setbacks?